My Two Moms

Nope, don't have two moms but the Globe and Mail has a kinda sweet article on a woman who grew up with two moms and some of the challenges:

It wasn't until I moved out on my own two years later, gaining both independence and perspective, that I began to see my mother and Lisa as people rather than just parents.

I am 22 now and Lisa is no longer “my mom's friend.” She is my stepmother and my parent. I am thankful for the experiences in my life that have given me the opportunity to be more open-minded. My mother has shown me what true courage is by following her heart. Though she has faced discrimination from strangers and even family members, she has instilled upon me the importance of being honest with yourself.

How to be a Bad Gay

When we first started talking about having a kid (obtaining a kid, finding a kid, adopting a kid, raising a kid ... what fits!?) all our straight friends thought it was great - they told us how they thought we would be amazing dads, how the experience would enrich our lives, how good - despite the sacrifices - it would feel.

When we told our gay friends about having a kid they thought we were nuts.

We have chosen a fairly traditional path for a gay couple - a monogamous relationship, marriage and now adopting a child. Yes, people are different and we know gay couples that have settled down and are choosing the same path we are - and we have straight friends that will never settle down and bring a different person to every event. But primarily, the gay community we know seems intent on moving away from the traditional definitions of a relationship. It isn't all Queer as Folk, but it isn't Leave it to Beaver either ... yeah, the pun wasn't intentional, but works.

I don't strive to have the same relationship my parents had - lived across the street from each other growing up, dating at 15, married by 20 and still going strong at 60. I did get really tired of dating and luckily happened upon the guy I was meant to be with. Kids were always an option I wanted to explore and after getting married last year (Canada rocks!), we decided to explore seriously. So, is it a gay - straight thing ... who knows. Does it feel like giving up the pride fight and giving into the straight lifestyle - no - it feels like settling down and getting on with life.

Lots of Dad Couples in the City

Today was the first meeting with our assigned social worker. We attended a seminar a month ago and got a very quick overview of what to expect during the process. It was a very uncomfortable seminar, there were three straight couples and a single guy plus the ministry worker crammed in a board room. We heard horror stories about children in care, we heard dismal stats about the success of children that stay in government care, we spent an hour with the unvarnished truth. And it was hard to hear - it was heart breaking to hear.

My doctor went through an adoption with the ministry as well and warned me about the heart break. She also warned me that the two social workers she dealt with when adopting were bitchy and nasty.

Bitchy and nasty. Not the type of personality you want guiding you through a super emotional process. I figured the social workers were meant to be nasty and bitchy and if a prospective parent was able to deal with them - they could deal with adopting a child.

So, going into the meeting this morning, I expected it to be uncomfortable. I expected my social worker to be bitchy. And I expected to be grilled at length about really excruciatingly personal aspects of my life.

I was pleasantly surprised when the woman who will be working with us turned out to be *awesome*. We spent about an hour plus going over our application, getting to know each other, talking about the process and expectations. She told us about three other dad couples that have adopted through the ministry in our city. Our city ain't that big - so nor is the gay community - 3 dad couples is a big thing!

I walked out of the meeting feeling terrified as the idea of child in our life got a little closer and more concrete but also feeling absolutely exhilarated. I feel like we have a guide that we like and trust, I feel that there are other gay parents out there doing the same thing we want to do - so we have mentors and people that can tell us about the process. I feel this kid is just a little closer than yesterday.

Ministry Adoption

Two dads who want a kid, but can't adopt internationally, haven't found a good surrogate or co-parent and have decided they don't really want a newborn. What to do!

We actually stumbled upon a solution by accident. I visited my doctor and was mentioning the adoption dilemma knowing she has just had a baby. She - the very best doctor in the whole world by the way - got all excited and told me that last year she and her husband adopted a nine and eleven year old from the BC Ministry for Children and Families.

A solution!

And one that felt good. We can choose a child that is a little older and on the advice of our parent friends have decided on between 18 months and five years. We are able to do some good in our adoption choice - giving a child in government care an opportunity they might not have had. And it is cheaper than the private agency.

We meet our social worker next week ...

Domestic Adoption

Seeing as other countries love the gay tourist money but don't so much like the gay's raising their kids, we decided to look at domestic adoption.

I might be simplifying this system but going through a private agency, we would apply to adopt, do six months of home study, talk to a whole bunch of social worker types, pay about $20,000 and then go on a list. If you are an unwed mother out in the world - opps, sorry - out in Canada - and you decide you want to put your baby up for adoption, you can specify what type of family you would like your little wee bundle of joy to go to. Then you get a few profiles of families and you can choose your favourite. Sort of like baby internet dating.

So, we might be on the adoption list for a week, a month, a year or forever. If we aren't an exciting two dad family saving the world, offering up private school and a home and cottage we might not make the grade. Actually, if we had the money to offer those things, we could probably purchase a baby on the internet somewhere - and it would be way easier.

We contacted a couple of gay families that had adopted domestically, chatted with them, learned they had no life other than their children. Right then and there we decided that we probably didn't want a newborn - nor did we want to pay $20,000 for a child. What are the two gay dads to do ...