Someone asked me the other day if I was bothered that my child won't have my DNA. I had to think about this. Ten years ago, yeah, it would have bothered me. I would have wanted a child created from my sperm to extend my family blood line. Granted, my family isn't royalty and really doesn't need a continuous unbroken bloodline, but it felt important - as first son, it felt like something I needed to do. It felt *manly*.
Now, with a little less testosterone running through my body, it ain't so important. I could find a surrogate and could ensure that my DNA continues - my own piece of immortality, but really I just don't care so much. I want a child not because I think it is key that I reproduce my genetic code, but because I'm at the point in my life where I want to offer what I got to a kid. I want to raise a kid and extend my family. We know we'll be good parents - awesome parents - and I want that experience in life. And there are kids out there that need a family. My family. So, blood shmood - I'll have myself cryogenically frozen and reach immortality that way.
Jul 31, 2009
Jul 21, 2009
Swearing
I stubbed my toe the other day and swore. It hurt like hell and swearing is a nice outlet for that pain. My other half teased me about something stupid while we were making dinner a couple of nights ago, I called him a bitch, he called me a queen, I called him a princess ... and on it went (really we're not that gay).
So, when we get a kid, I guess this has to stop. I don't want to raise a kid that sounds like a dockworker (Do dockworkers really swear that much? Sorry any non-swearing dock workers out there). I also *really* don't want to be in a discussion about what a boy princess and a boy queen are. That can come much later.
I'm not totally stupid when it comes to kids - I was once one. I know that they will pick up swear words and derogatory terms that I've never even heard of. I know their uncles will teach them bad things, they'll hear stuff on tv, stumble across things on the internet and talk about things at school; I want to steer clear of this stuff and be a role model. Be there to explain if need be, but not be a participant - not spout profanity when something nasty happens.
Fuck, this'll be hard.
So, when we get a kid, I guess this has to stop. I don't want to raise a kid that sounds like a dockworker (Do dockworkers really swear that much? Sorry any non-swearing dock workers out there). I also *really* don't want to be in a discussion about what a boy princess and a boy queen are. That can come much later.
I'm not totally stupid when it comes to kids - I was once one. I know that they will pick up swear words and derogatory terms that I've never even heard of. I know their uncles will teach them bad things, they'll hear stuff on tv, stumble across things on the internet and talk about things at school; I want to steer clear of this stuff and be a role model. Be there to explain if need be, but not be a participant - not spout profanity when something nasty happens.
Fuck, this'll be hard.
Jul 17, 2009
The Grandparents
Over a busy, noisy family dinner in an Italian restaurant celebrating my Dad's birthday we told my folks they were going to be grandparents. There was a surprising silence, a little like the entire restaurant had heard - I was a little drunk so maybe the entire restaurant did hear - and then lots of congratulations. And then questions.
Why would you want to adopt an older child?
I thought you liked babies?
You're adopting from the ministry? Don't those children have ... you know ... rough backgrounds?
What about a surrogate, to keep the genes going?
When will you pick up the child?
How long have you known about this?
Will you still go to Paris if you have a child?
Won't it be dangerous to live downtown with a child? The suburbs would be much better ...
And so on ...
I immediately deflected it all, talked about losing faith that my younger brother and sister would start the family making process (my sister was across from me and I got the best stink eye ever) and start pouring more wine for everyone. Wine makes it all better.
Why would you want to adopt an older child?
I thought you liked babies?
You're adopting from the ministry? Don't those children have ... you know ... rough backgrounds?
What about a surrogate, to keep the genes going?
When will you pick up the child?
How long have you known about this?
Will you still go to Paris if you have a child?
Won't it be dangerous to live downtown with a child? The suburbs would be much better ...
And so on ...
I immediately deflected it all, talked about losing faith that my younger brother and sister would start the family making process (my sister was across from me and I got the best stink eye ever) and start pouring more wine for everyone. Wine makes it all better.
Jul 8, 2009
The Process
We learned pretty early on that a big part of the adoption process was waiting. Waiting for the government, waiting for forms, waiting to make decisions ...
It's ok, we're not in a really big rush. Being parents will come soon enough, we're both happy right now sucking up the very last bits of being hedonistic.
Right now our kind friends and family are writing reference applications for us - 10 or so questions that are actually really difficult. I had a friend call me and ask me how my other half - who he hasn't known as long - handles stress. "And what would he think of a multicultural child?" "And why would he be a good parent?" These are questions I would actually have a hard time answering about myself. What's worse - they have to be done by hand! Some days I think it would have been easier to knock someone up.
In September we start adoption school. 10 weeks on being parents. Then the home study. Then probably more government forms. And then ... a kid. A kid?! I still feel shock at the idea of a kid coming into our lives. Hopefully all this waiting will help.
It's ok, we're not in a really big rush. Being parents will come soon enough, we're both happy right now sucking up the very last bits of being hedonistic.
Right now our kind friends and family are writing reference applications for us - 10 or so questions that are actually really difficult. I had a friend call me and ask me how my other half - who he hasn't known as long - handles stress. "And what would he think of a multicultural child?" "And why would he be a good parent?" These are questions I would actually have a hard time answering about myself. What's worse - they have to be done by hand! Some days I think it would have been easier to knock someone up.
In September we start adoption school. 10 weeks on being parents. Then the home study. Then probably more government forms. And then ... a kid. A kid?! I still feel shock at the idea of a kid coming into our lives. Hopefully all this waiting will help.
Jul 3, 2009
Where you Live
Before we started the adoption process, my priorities around living space were:
- must be urban
- must be close to amenities like coffee shops, markets and liquor stores
- must be easy access to downtown culture
- must have good dog walking spaces
- must have ocean view
We found a surprisingly large condo downtown with a big deck, a great view and close to anything I could ever want - the quintessential Victorian urbanite. The only downside, it is two blocks away from Victoria's largest homeless shelter. On one side of the building, we have views of a bustling, vibrant city that stretches across the ocean and to the Olympic Mountains. On the other side of the building we have views of a park often full of grocery carts, make-shift tents and garbage.
For us, right now, it is a small price to pay for living downtown. We plan our dog walks around the bodies laying in the grass, or the super thin woman doing the heroin dance in the middle of the road or the scary guy trying to sell me weed. We navigate through vomit and needles, cardboard and bottles - it is the uglier - and heartbreaking side of downtown living.
But I started thinking a few weeks ago that I don't know if I want to raise a kid in this environment. We visit friends in the suburbs and the neighbourhoods are so quiet - there isn't a constant hum of cars and shouting from the drunks stumbling away from the downtown core. I love the idea of downtown living and I can deal with this - but do I want to bring a kid into this? People told me life would change with a child, it's changing before we even have one!
- must be urban
- must be close to amenities like coffee shops, markets and liquor stores
- must be easy access to downtown culture
- must have good dog walking spaces
- must have ocean view
We found a surprisingly large condo downtown with a big deck, a great view and close to anything I could ever want - the quintessential Victorian urbanite. The only downside, it is two blocks away from Victoria's largest homeless shelter. On one side of the building, we have views of a bustling, vibrant city that stretches across the ocean and to the Olympic Mountains. On the other side of the building we have views of a park often full of grocery carts, make-shift tents and garbage.
For us, right now, it is a small price to pay for living downtown. We plan our dog walks around the bodies laying in the grass, or the super thin woman doing the heroin dance in the middle of the road or the scary guy trying to sell me weed. We navigate through vomit and needles, cardboard and bottles - it is the uglier - and heartbreaking side of downtown living.
But I started thinking a few weeks ago that I don't know if I want to raise a kid in this environment. We visit friends in the suburbs and the neighbourhoods are so quiet - there isn't a constant hum of cars and shouting from the drunks stumbling away from the downtown core. I love the idea of downtown living and I can deal with this - but do I want to bring a kid into this? People told me life would change with a child, it's changing before we even have one!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)