Another route we considered was international adoption. At that point in our adventure we hadn't realized that babies don't only come as newborns and visions of exotic little Brangelina infants danced in our heads.
Apparently, if you go through a Canadian adoption agency, international adoption is not open to legally married same sex couples. A straight couple - yeah, no problem. I write apparently only because I am sure there are ways around this - but we never bothered to research further. A tangent - the Canadian Revenue Agency (our tax guys) also don't recognize *legally* married same-sex couples. No tax benefits for us!
The other detriment to international adoption is price. It starts at $50,000 Canadian. Then there are visits to the host country and - man oh man - that's the price of a new BMW - a down payment on a house - a whole lot of bling. Buying babies is expensive (that is entirely tongue in cheek for anyone who is going to comment yell at me).
So, 'yah Brangelina babies' but they aren't for the gays - at least the Canadian gays.
May 28, 2009
May 23, 2009
Co-parenting
When we started this journey, one of the options we looked at was co-parenting. We have a good friend - who we trust implicitly and love dearly - who had a good friend who also wanted a child. This friend of a friend - we'll call her mother - wasn't in a relationship and had come out of some bad ones. She was hitting late thirties and felt that she wasn't going to find a strong, lasting relationship in time to have a child - that whole biological clock thing. So we started talking. After six months of getting to know each other we learned that a friend of a friend - no matter how good the first friend - isn't always a good choice for group parenthood.
In an ideal world the process would have worked like this:
a) we have the baby - using a turkey baster or a fertility clinic or a big bottle of vodka (we hadn't really nailed that down). Yah baby!
b) the mother would be the primary care giver for the first three years though we would have a significant say in the child rearing practices. Yah diaper changing!
c) after three years we would share the parenting equally. Yah learning to talk!
We loved this option as it obviously gave us a child without a lot of hassle, it felt good the idea of raising a child in a community and we weren't so keen on having a newborn that we wanted full custody for the first three years. Babies are great, but neither one of us felt that strong maternal urge to raise a child from infancy.
We spent six months talking with our potential co-parent, getting to know her, understanding her parenting style, creating child-raising scenarios and as much as possible without actually having a kid around, trying to understand how we would all work as co-parents. The first few months were bliss - it felt like such a progressive solution. It felt like not only were we going to bring a child into the world but we were going to expose it to two very different, rich lifestyles and the wisdom of three - not two - parents. It was raising a child within a community.
Then I started talking with my mother friends. And then reality started to creep in.
- what happens if the mother finds a man that we don't like?
- how financially responsible for this child will we be and what happens if the mother decides she wants full responsibility forever - would we be paying for a child without ever seeing them?
- we never *really* clicked well with the mother, would we learn to like her?
- what if we all have different parenting styles once the child is born and hate each other?
- what if we move?
- what if she moves?
And the questions kept on coming. And coming. Along with the doubt.
We found multiple examples of lesbian couples and a male friend having children and sharing responsibility but we could not find one single example of two gay men and a woman sharing a child from infancy. There were not a lot of shining beacons to guide us in the process.
We took off for a long weekend a couple of months back and decided that we needed to make a decision and either commit or move on and with everything on the table it just didn't feel good anymore as an option.
In an ideal world the process would have worked like this:
a) we have the baby - using a turkey baster or a fertility clinic or a big bottle of vodka (we hadn't really nailed that down). Yah baby!
b) the mother would be the primary care giver for the first three years though we would have a significant say in the child rearing practices. Yah diaper changing!
c) after three years we would share the parenting equally. Yah learning to talk!
We loved this option as it obviously gave us a child without a lot of hassle, it felt good the idea of raising a child in a community and we weren't so keen on having a newborn that we wanted full custody for the first three years. Babies are great, but neither one of us felt that strong maternal urge to raise a child from infancy.
We spent six months talking with our potential co-parent, getting to know her, understanding her parenting style, creating child-raising scenarios and as much as possible without actually having a kid around, trying to understand how we would all work as co-parents. The first few months were bliss - it felt like such a progressive solution. It felt like not only were we going to bring a child into the world but we were going to expose it to two very different, rich lifestyles and the wisdom of three - not two - parents. It was raising a child within a community.
Then I started talking with my mother friends. And then reality started to creep in.
- what happens if the mother finds a man that we don't like?
- how financially responsible for this child will we be and what happens if the mother decides she wants full responsibility forever - would we be paying for a child without ever seeing them?
- we never *really* clicked well with the mother, would we learn to like her?
- what if we all have different parenting styles once the child is born and hate each other?
- what if we move?
- what if she moves?
And the questions kept on coming. And coming. Along with the doubt.
We found multiple examples of lesbian couples and a male friend having children and sharing responsibility but we could not find one single example of two gay men and a woman sharing a child from infancy. There were not a lot of shining beacons to guide us in the process.
We took off for a long weekend a couple of months back and decided that we needed to make a decision and either commit or move on and with everything on the table it just didn't feel good anymore as an option.
May 20, 2009
The Real Beginning ...
This is the start of a journey into fatherhood for myself and my partner. Some basic facts to begin with:
- we are gay
- we live on the west coast of Canada
- we have been married for a couple of years and together for a whole bunch more
- we are both at the end of our thirties
- we both are professionals - me CEO of a tech company and he an accountant type
And the *big* thing - the reason I am starting this blog - the game changing event - we have decided to have a child.
We have a good life - rather hedonistic in that we do what we want. We make decent money, go on vacations, live in a well-decorated condo downtown (we are gay after all) and eat out more often than naught. We have a dog - our first foray into parenthood - and she eats handmade treats and organic dog food and sleeps in a princess bed. So unlikely candidates to have their lives turned upside down by planned parenthood.
We started to examine our 'child-acquisition' options last year and looked at surrogate - too risky with a stranger and we don't know anyone willing to give up their womb for a while. We looked at international adoption - pretty well all countries now accept only married applicants and same sex marriage isn't viewed as legit. We looked at domestic adoption - we could wait forever. We talked with a friend of a friend about co-parenting - she and us would share the raising of the child - and decided there were too many unknowns.
So, last week we put an application in with the Ministry for Children and Families - the provincial government ministry that looks after children in government care - to adopt.
This is our tale ...
- we are gay
- we live on the west coast of Canada
- we have been married for a couple of years and together for a whole bunch more
- we are both at the end of our thirties
- we both are professionals - me CEO of a tech company and he an accountant type
And the *big* thing - the reason I am starting this blog - the game changing event - we have decided to have a child.
We have a good life - rather hedonistic in that we do what we want. We make decent money, go on vacations, live in a well-decorated condo downtown (we are gay after all) and eat out more often than naught. We have a dog - our first foray into parenthood - and she eats handmade treats and organic dog food and sleeps in a princess bed. So unlikely candidates to have their lives turned upside down by planned parenthood.
We started to examine our 'child-acquisition' options last year and looked at surrogate - too risky with a stranger and we don't know anyone willing to give up their womb for a while. We looked at international adoption - pretty well all countries now accept only married applicants and same sex marriage isn't viewed as legit. We looked at domestic adoption - we could wait forever. We talked with a friend of a friend about co-parenting - she and us would share the raising of the child - and decided there were too many unknowns.
So, last week we put an application in with the Ministry for Children and Families - the provincial government ministry that looks after children in government care - to adopt.
This is our tale ...
The Beginning ...
This is a story of a boy who met a fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That these two men would somehow form a family.
Just like they grew up watching on the Brady Bunch.
Here's the story of these lovely lads
Who wanted to find a little guy or girl.
It's tough - they needed a mother,
To truly be able to give it a whirl.
Surrogate or adoption,
They were suddenly busy finding a child of their own,
They were two men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That these two men would somehow form a family.
Just like they grew up watching on the Brady Bunch.
Here's the story of these lovely lads
Who wanted to find a little guy or girl.
It's tough - they needed a mother,
To truly be able to give it a whirl.
Surrogate or adoption,
They were suddenly busy finding a child of their own,
They were two men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.
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