Two Men and a Baby

Moving House

2010-01-03T10:51:00.000-08:00

New Years resolution #43 - move blog to Wordpress.
1 out of 43 down - moved this site to Wordpress (much more flexibility and nicer interface) and my further ramblings can be found here: http://twomenandababy.wordpress.com.

Merry and Happy Everyone!

2009-12-23T14:42:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone has a relaxing holiday - happy everything! Hard to believe, but this time next year, our family could be a little bit bigger.

Adoption school starts in the new year, so I'll have much more to write about.

Choices

2009-11-17T12:14:00.000-08:00

Yes, it has been a ridiculously long time but I have had nothing to talk about lately. The kid machine is on hold until the new year when we start adoption school. Thanks to our references who slaved over 10 freaking pages of a brutal application form (handwritten - like the dark ages) and we've both been prodded and poked and determined medically sound. So, it's on hold for a few more months.

I did today have coffee with a very awesome friend of mine who is having to make a rather quick decision about having a child or not. It got me thinking about why I want a child. There is no moment in life that I heard a *ping* and thought "I want a child." I just knew. Since I can remember. I love the idea of a big family, I love the idea of raising someone, introducing them to the things I love and the people in my life. I love the idea of giving someone an opportunity. When things are bad in my life, I try and envision my life in five years time. I go best case and think about who is in it, what I am doing, where I live - what does it look like. Always, without fail, it involves a child and a bigger family. Actually, lately it's involved twins ... but I think I might keep that to myself. Having the conversation about one child was bad enough with my other half - twins might set him over the edge. I think I made the decision to have a child in my life 20-30 years ago and have just been slow getting to this point.

Adoption School Failure

2009-09-15T11:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we didn't fail adoption school, but it kinda failed us. Not to complain - big government cuts and all - but we had less than a week notice for the start of adoption school. Alas, it is the only day of the week that neither of us could make it. Between school - already started and paid for - and a fundraiser I am part of, we ain't going to learn about the A, B and C's of adoption this term. We also had to attend all ten classes together.

Next term - so stay tuned faithful readers. We'll have adoption stories yet.

The Government Took My Baby?

2009-09-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Alas, no word yet on adoption school - the next hurdle we have to pass. We have gone to our doctors and gotten the medical ok, our friends and families have supplied reams of reference answers (handwritten only) and we are waiting.

In the meantime, the BC Government has hit hard times and has been reducing budgets all over the place. The Ministry of Children and Families hasn't been spared. Is this the hold up for adoption school? Are they just going to start giving kids away like candy to save money? Come on government, let's get going - there's a kid for us somewhere in your system!

The Times Article on Gay Parenting

2009-08-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

The Times has an article on two dads who adopted a son: Same sex adoption: our new life as Dad and Daddy. The article goes through the experience of two dads who adopted a three year old boy through the UK Government. They call it an 18 month blind date arranged by social workers - very apt and very much what we are experiencing.

One of the facts that intrigued me in the article concerned adoption leave:

Part of the reason that Scott appears to have settled in with us so well is no doubt down to the fact that my partner Michael was able to take a year’s adoption leave from his job as a teacher. Adoption laws changed in 2005, allowing same-sex couples to decide who should be the primary adopter, and receive the equivalent of maternity leave. With Michael’s employer, it worked out at a year off work on just over half pay, and it has been invaluable.

That's a nice perk and something I haven't heard of in BC. Then again, I'm self employed and a year of adoption leave is possible, it just means I don't get paid for a year.

I wonder if one day this will be all normal. Adoption leave, gay adoption, two dads ... just another facet of a family.

Holding Pattern

2009-08-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm in a holding pattern. Adoption school doesn't start for another month or so. I've coached all my friends through their ten page reference questions (coached as in provided moral support, rather than answers!). We've started the process of looking at houses in better neighbourhoods (I deemed this necessary the other day when I saw a couple outside our window having sex). We've talked to a few other couples that have done this sort of thing - with good results. We've told our families and friends. And now we wait ...

One of the things about this process that I have found most surprising is the lack of similar experiences in the internet. We were fortunate enough to have found a couple of dads locally that were willing to talk with us but when we first thought about this I went to the internet for help and found pretty well nothing. If I have a question about my car - the internet - about a movie - the internet - what to cook for dinner - the internet - a health question - the internet. But when I looked for other dads that had done this - almost nothing.

I did find William and John's blog and website and facebook page. All those dreamy blue eyes, I don't know if I can compete. They've found a birth mother though and stopped posting a few months back. And there are other dads that had previous families (more like a Brady Bunch thing) but something like what we are going through seems internet rare. Have you run across anything we should be reading? Had a similar experience?

Blood Line

2009-07-31T14:50:00.000-07:00

Someone asked me the other day if I was bothered that my child won't have my DNA. I had to think about this. Ten years ago, yeah, it would have bothered me. I would have wanted a child created from my sperm to extend my family blood line. Granted, my family isn't royalty and really doesn't need a continuous unbroken bloodline, but it felt important - as first son, it felt like something I needed to do. It felt *manly*.

Now, with a little less testosterone running through my body, it ain't so important. I could find a surrogate and could ensure that my DNA continues - my own piece of immortality, but really I just don't care so much. I want a child not because I think it is key that I reproduce my genetic code, but because I'm at the point in my life where I want to offer what I got to a kid. I want to raise a kid and extend my family. We know we'll be good parents - awesome parents - and I want that experience in life. And there are kids out there that need a family. My family. So, blood shmood - I'll have myself cryogenically frozen and reach immortality that way.

Swearing

2009-07-21T10:22:00.000-07:00

I stubbed my toe the other day and swore. It hurt like hell and swearing is a nice outlet for that pain. My other half teased me about something stupid while we were making dinner a couple of nights ago, I called him a bitch, he called me a queen, I called him a princess ... and on it went (really we're not that gay).

So, when we get a kid, I guess this has to stop. I don't want to raise a kid that sounds like a dockworker (Do dockworkers really swear that much? Sorry any non-swearing dock workers out there). I also *really* don't want to be in a discussion about what a boy princess and a boy queen are. That can come much later.

I'm not totally stupid when it comes to kids - I was once one. I know that they will pick up swear words and derogatory terms that I've never even heard of. I know their uncles will teach them bad things, they'll hear stuff on tv, stumble across things on the internet and talk about things at school; I want to steer clear of this stuff and be a role model. Be there to explain if need be, but not be a participant - not spout profanity when something nasty happens.

Fuck, this'll be hard.

The Grandparents

2009-07-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

Over a busy, noisy family dinner in an Italian restaurant celebrating my Dad's birthday we told my folks they were going to be grandparents. There was a surprising silence, a little like the entire restaurant had heard - I was a little drunk so maybe the entire restaurant did hear - and then lots of congratulations. And then questions.

Why would you want to adopt an older child?
I thought you liked babies?
You're adopting from the ministry? Don't those children have ... you know ... rough backgrounds?
What about a surrogate, to keep the genes going?
When will you pick up the child?
How long have you known about this?
Will you still go to Paris if you have a child?
Won't it be dangerous to live downtown with a child? The suburbs would be much better ...

And so on ...

I immediately deflected it all, talked about losing faith that my younger brother and sister would start the family making process (my sister was across from me and I got the best stink eye ever) and start pouring more wine for everyone. Wine makes it all better.

The Process

2009-07-08T12:26:00.001-07:00

We learned pretty early on that a big part of the adoption process was waiting. Waiting for the government, waiting for forms, waiting to make decisions ...

It's ok, we're not in a really big rush. Being parents will come soon enough, we're both happy right now sucking up the very last bits of being hedonistic.

Right now our kind friends and family are writing reference applications for us - 10 or so questions that are actually really difficult. I had a friend call me and ask me how my other half - who he hasn't known as long - handles stress. "And what would he think of a multicultural child?" "And why would he be a good parent?" These are questions I would actually have a hard time answering about myself. What's worse - they have to be done by hand! Some days I think it would have been easier to knock someone up.

In September we start adoption school. 10 weeks on being parents. Then the home study. Then probably more government forms. And then ... a kid. A kid?! I still feel shock at the idea of a kid coming into our lives. Hopefully all this waiting will help.

Where you Live

2009-07-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

Before we started the adoption process, my priorities around living space were:

- must be urban
- must be close to amenities like coffee shops, markets and liquor stores
- must be easy access to downtown culture
- must have good dog walking spaces
- must have ocean view

We found a surprisingly large condo downtown with a big deck, a great view and close to anything I could ever want - the quintessential Victorian urbanite. The only downside, it is two blocks away from Victoria's largest homeless shelter. On one side of the building, we have views of a bustling, vibrant city that stretches across the ocean and to the Olympic Mountains. On the other side of the building we have views of a park often full of grocery carts, make-shift tents and garbage.

For us, right now, it is a small price to pay for living downtown. We plan our dog walks around the bodies laying in the grass, or the super thin woman doing the heroin dance in the middle of the road or the scary guy trying to sell me weed. We navigate through vomit and needles, cardboard and bottles - it is the uglier - and heartbreaking side of downtown living.

But I started thinking a few weeks ago that I don't know if I want to raise a kid in this environment. We visit friends in the suburbs and the neighbourhoods are so quiet - there isn't a constant hum of cars and shouting from the drunks stumbling away from the downtown core. I love the idea of downtown living and I can deal with this - but do I want to bring a kid into this? People told me life would change with a child, it's changing before we even have one!

My Two Moms

2009-06-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

Nope, don't have two moms but the Globe and Mail has a kinda sweet article on a woman who grew up with two moms and some of the challenges:

It wasn't until I moved out on my own two years later, gaining both independence and perspective, that I began to see my mother and Lisa as people rather than just parents.

I am 22 now and Lisa is no longer “my mom's friend.” She is my stepmother and my parent. I am thankful for the experiences in my life that have given me the opportunity to be more open-minded. My mother has shown me what true courage is by following her heart. Though she has faced discrimination from strangers and even family members, she has instilled upon me the importance of being honest with yourself.

How to be a Bad Gay

2009-06-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

When we first started talking about having a kid (obtaining a kid, finding a kid, adopting a kid, raising a kid ... what fits!?) all our straight friends thought it was great - they told us how they thought we would be amazing dads, how the experience would enrich our lives, how good - despite the sacrifices - it would feel.

When we told our gay friends about having a kid they thought we were nuts.

We have chosen a fairly traditional path for a gay couple - a monogamous relationship, marriage and now adopting a child. Yes, people are different and we know gay couples that have settled down and are choosing the same path we are - and we have straight friends that will never settle down and bring a different person to every event. But primarily, the gay community we know seems intent on moving away from the traditional definitions of a relationship. It isn't all Queer as Folk, but it isn't Leave it to Beaver either ... yeah, the pun wasn't intentional, but works.

I don't strive to have the same relationship my parents had - lived across the street from each other growing up, dating at 15, married by 20 and still going strong at 60. I did get really tired of dating and luckily happened upon the guy I was meant to be with. Kids were always an option I wanted to explore and after getting married last year (Canada rocks!), we decided to explore seriously. So, is it a gay - straight thing ... who knows. Does it feel like giving up the pride fight and giving into the straight lifestyle - no - it feels like settling down and getting on with life.

Lots of Dad Couples in the City

2009-06-10T11:02:00.000-07:00

Today was the first meeting with our assigned social worker. We attended a seminar a month ago and got a very quick overview of what to expect during the process. It was a very uncomfortable seminar, there were three straight couples and a single guy plus the ministry worker crammed in a board room. We heard horror stories about children in care, we heard dismal stats about the success of children that stay in government care, we spent an hour with the unvarnished truth. And it was hard to hear - it was heart breaking to hear.

My doctor went through an adoption with the ministry as well and warned me about the heart break. She also warned me that the two social workers she dealt with when adopting were bitchy and nasty.

Bitchy and nasty. Not the type of personality you want guiding you through a super emotional process. I figured the social workers were meant to be nasty and bitchy and if a prospective parent was able to deal with them - they could deal with adopting a child.

So, going into the meeting this morning, I expected it to be uncomfortable. I expected my social worker to be bitchy. And I expected to be grilled at length about really excruciatingly personal aspects of my life.

I was pleasantly surprised when the woman who will be working with us turned out to be *awesome*. We spent about an hour plus going over our application, getting to know each other, talking about the process and expectations. She told us about three other dad couples that have adopted through the ministry in our city. Our city ain't that big - so nor is the gay community - 3 dad couples is a big thing!

I walked out of the meeting feeling terrified as the idea of child in our life got a little closer and more concrete but also feeling absolutely exhilarated. I feel like we have a guide that we like and trust, I feel that there are other gay parents out there doing the same thing we want to do - so we have mentors and people that can tell us about the process. I feel this kid is just a little closer than yesterday.

Ministry Adoption

2009-06-03T09:58:00.000-07:00

Two dads who want a kid, but can't adopt internationally, haven't found a good surrogate or co-parent and have decided they don't really want a newborn. What to do!

We actually stumbled upon a solution by accident. I visited my doctor and was mentioning the adoption dilemma knowing she has just had a baby. She - the very best doctor in the whole world by the way - got all excited and told me that last year she and her husband adopted a nine and eleven year old from the BC Ministry for Children and Families.

A solution!

And one that felt good. We can choose a child that is a little older and on the advice of our parent friends have decided on between 18 months and five years. We are able to do some good in our adoption choice - giving a child in government care an opportunity they might not have had. And it is cheaper than the private agency.

We meet our social worker next week ...

Domestic Adoption

2009-06-01T14:21:00.000-07:00

Seeing as other countries love the gay tourist money but don't so much like the gay's raising their kids, we decided to look at domestic adoption.

I might be simplifying this system but going through a private agency, we would apply to adopt, do six months of home study, talk to a whole bunch of social worker types, pay about $20,000 and then go on a list. If you are an unwed mother out in the world - opps, sorry - out in Canada - and you decide you want to put your baby up for adoption, you can specify what type of family you would like your little wee bundle of joy to go to. Then you get a few profiles of families and you can choose your favourite. Sort of like baby internet dating.

So, we might be on the adoption list for a week, a month, a year or forever. If we aren't an exciting two dad family saving the world, offering up private school and a home and cottage we might not make the grade. Actually, if we had the money to offer those things, we could probably purchase a baby on the internet somewhere - and it would be way easier.

We contacted a couple of gay families that had adopted domestically, chatted with them, learned they had no life other than their children. Right then and there we decided that we probably didn't want a newborn - nor did we want to pay $20,000 for a child. What are the two gay dads to do ...

International Adoption

2009-05-28T09:47:00.001-07:00

Another route we considered was international adoption. At that point in our adventure we hadn't realized that babies don't only come as newborns and visions of exotic little Brangelina infants danced in our heads.

Apparently, if you go through a Canadian adoption agency, international adoption is not open to legally married same sex couples. A straight couple - yeah, no problem. I write apparently only because I am sure there are ways around this - but we never bothered to research further. A tangent - the Canadian Revenue Agency (our tax guys) also don't recognize *legally* married same-sex couples. No tax benefits for us!

The other detriment to international adoption is price. It starts at $50,000 Canadian. Then there are visits to the host country and - man oh man - that's the price of a new BMW - a down payment on a house - a whole lot of bling. Buying babies is expensive (that is entirely tongue in cheek for anyone who is going to comment yell at me).

So, 'yah Brangelina babies' but they aren't for the gays - at least the Canadian gays.

Co-parenting

2009-05-23T09:29:00.001-07:00

When we started this journey, one of the options we looked at was co-parenting. We have a good friend - who we trust implicitly and love dearly - who had a good friend who also wanted a child. This friend of a friend - we'll call her mother - wasn't in a relationship and had come out of some bad ones. She was hitting late thirties and felt that she wasn't going to find a strong, lasting relationship in time to have a child - that whole biological clock thing. So we started talking. After six months of getting to know each other we learned that a friend of a friend - no matter how good the first friend - isn't always a good choice for group parenthood.

In an ideal world the process would have worked like this:

a) we have the baby - using a turkey baster or a fertility clinic or a big bottle of vodka (we hadn't really nailed that down). Yah baby!

b) the mother would be the primary care giver for the first three years though we would have a significant say in the child rearing practices. Yah diaper changing!

c) after three years we would share the parenting equally. Yah learning to talk!

We loved this option as it obviously gave us a child without a lot of hassle, it felt good the idea of raising a child in a community and we weren't so keen on having a newborn that we wanted full custody for the first three years. Babies are great, but neither one of us felt that strong maternal urge to raise a child from infancy.

We spent six months talking with our potential co-parent, getting to know her, understanding her parenting style, creating child-raising scenarios and as much as possible without actually having a kid around, trying to understand how we would all work as co-parents. The first few months were bliss - it felt like such a progressive solution. It felt like not only were we going to bring a child into the world but we were going to expose it to two very different, rich lifestyles and the wisdom of three - not two - parents. It was raising a child within a community.

Then I started talking with my mother friends. And then reality started to creep in.

- what happens if the mother finds a man that we don't like?
- how financially responsible for this child will we be and what happens if the mother decides she wants full responsibility forever - would we be paying for a child without ever seeing them?
- we never *really* clicked well with the mother, would we learn to like her?
- what if we all have different parenting styles once the child is born and hate each other?
- what if we move?
- what if she moves?

And the questions kept on coming. And coming. Along with the doubt.

We found multiple examples of lesbian couples and a male friend having children and sharing responsibility but we could not find one single example of two gay men and a woman sharing a child from infancy. There were not a lot of shining beacons to guide us in the process.

We took off for a long weekend a couple of months back and decided that we needed to make a decision and either commit or move on and with everything on the table it just didn't feel good anymore as an option.

The Real Beginning ...

2009-05-20T18:34:00.000-07:00

This is the start of a journey into fatherhood for myself and my partner. Some basic facts to begin with:

- we are gay
- we live on the west coast of Canada
- we have been married for a couple of years and together for a whole bunch more
- we are both at the end of our thirties
- we both are professionals - me CEO of a tech company and he an accountant type

And the *big* thing - the reason I am starting this blog - the game changing event - we have decided to have a child.

We have a good life - rather hedonistic in that we do what we want. We make decent money, go on vacations, live in a well-decorated condo downtown (we are gay after all) and eat out more often than naught. We have a dog - our first foray into parenthood - and she eats handmade treats and organic dog food and sleeps in a princess bed. So unlikely candidates to have their lives turned upside down by planned parenthood.

We started to examine our 'child-acquisition' options last year and looked at surrogate - too risky with a stranger and we don't know anyone willing to give up their womb for a while. We looked at international adoption - pretty well all countries now accept only married applicants and same sex marriage isn't viewed as legit. We looked at domestic adoption - we could wait forever. We talked with a friend of a friend about co-parenting - she and us would share the raising of the child - and decided there were too many unknowns.

So, last week we put an application in with the Ministry for Children and Families - the provincial government ministry that looks after children in government care - to adopt.

This is our tale ...

The Beginning ...

2009-05-20T18:30:00.001-07:00

This is a story of a boy who met a fellow
And they knew it was much more than a hunch,
That these two men would somehow form a family.
Just like they grew up watching on the Brady Bunch.

Here's the story of these lovely lads
Who wanted to find a little guy or girl.
It's tough - they needed a mother,
To truly be able to give it a whirl.

Surrogate or adoption,
They were suddenly busy finding a child of their own,
They were two men, living all together,
Yet they were all alone.